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Somewhere behind the dark grey clouds shines a warm, golden light. I can't see it but I know it is there. Seems that is how I go through life... I can't see the future but I know it's there. I can't see love but I know that it too is there. Problem with that though is that love is *there* but there is not always where I think it is. And the future is always there too, but unfolds slowly and not always the way I thought it would... actually very rarely does it come close to the way I thought it would unfold.
I have but one heart. One life. Perhaps I'm a fool. Well, no, I know I am a fool. Believing in hope and love. Believing in kismet. Believing in romance. I go through life searching for answers. Seeking what I will never find. Expecting to wake up one day knowing what my purpose is. I believe I have a purpose in this world. I believe we all do, though some have a greater purpose than others... and some never seek it and, therefore, do not fulfill it. Perhaps that is at the root of the decay of our society... so many purposeless lives, or more accurately, so many lives that miss their purpose.
So many lives filled with stuff. So many days filled with noise... audible, visual, constant noise. Email. Instant Messenger. Cell phones. Music. Yes, even music. All noise. Movies, television, internet. It is the black hole that sucks away our lives. Do I mean that it is all bad? No, but then I do not believe much in absolutes... black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. There are degrees to most everything. So yes, bad these things are. But good also. A way to connect to other lost souls, other ships sailing the rough waters of life. For some these are the only connections. And that is where I think the bad enters. As physical beings we require contact, physical contact, even if we do not actually touch. To see people, and not just the people we mark as "them", the them that we avoid unless by some necessity like work, we have to be in their presence. The them that do not ponder, do not wonder, do not "get it"... whatever it may be. No, we need to see the people whose lives connect with ours. The ones whose hearts are lonely like ours. Our kindred spirits. We need to hear a real laugh. See a real smile. Shake a real hand. Share a real beer. Reach out in hopes that our hearts might be a little less lonely.
Instead we drift, tethered by cables to our electronic eyes... the new windows to our souls. Avoiding "them" at all cost, not realizing how dear the cost may be. Holed up in our dark caves, we rejoice in our solitude. We revel in our refusal to join society. We create a new society that is perhaps more evolved, more open, but our bodies and souls have not yet evolved enough to sustain this society in a pure form. And alone in our hermitage, perhaps we, the ponderers, also miss our purpose.
Is it better, more purposeful to spend time alone deep in introspection, allowing time and earth to move around me or to spend my time in the company of others talking about this or that? Are the caves as safe as we think? Are "they" as bad as we think? If we spend all our time alone pondering the purpose of our lives can we ever truly realize it? And if we do realize it, can we ever fulfill it? It seems there should be a balance somewhere. Physical interaction, audible conversations as well as time spent "alone" with the other hermits.
Perhaps seeking purpose is in itself a purpose. I don't know. Perhaps life is truly what we make it. But shouldn't we make it something better than what we perceive? I don't presume to speak for everyone. And if you are happy and fulfilled and content with your life, please tell me how you do it. But most people I know are hermits, ponderers, seekers... and though generous in spirit and content with their lot in life, they are not happy. I am not happy. Well, I am happy, but not at the core of my soul. I always feel there is something missing. And so I continue to seek. Believing there is more to life. More to me. More to everyone and everything. Believing that we connect to the people we connect to for a real reason besides chance and circumstance. Believing... no, hoping that there is a real purpose to this life. But perhaps I ponder too much... ask too many questions... hope too much and live too little. Perhaps I am truly a fool.
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